It’s been a good four weeks since I plopped myself down here at this research institute in DC. Aware of the restrictions of not being let off the unit unless accompanied by staff I had originally hoped to (in addition to partaking in a beneficial study) focus my time into working out a balanced routine of meditation, art and writing to help me get a jumpstart once I’ve slid back into US living. Now looking back at the past four weeks, having really tasted the confines of the situation, I’m feeling not only a bit closed in, but also frustrated with the lack of insight I’ve gained here in regards to jumpstarting this routine. There seems to be a direct relationship between the restrictions of the unit and the mental determination to stick to a schedule. I’ve noted that though I do have ample amounts of freedom in how I use my time within the unit, the losely structured schedule provided by the staff seemes to rather hinder then promote self devised routines. Meditations often being interrupted, art and writing practices failing to find inspiration, and the interest to exercise limited to the confines of the campus. I had hoped that isolation from the relative world would give me clearer insight in seeking out the mechanics of these pursuits. A sort of hermitage away from day to day demands. Instead I’m finding a real struggle with motivating myself towards these regards, which I blame in part on my own week resolve to abstain from less demanding tasks (movies, tv, etc.) and in part I feel some blame belongs to the surrounding circumstances of being housed in a restricted clinical unit. So keeping both these in mind, and focusing on what I can affect, my hope is to learn from these observations with the intent of being able to outmaneuver similar obstacles in the future. Firstly that seclusion in and of itself does not bring focus to me, rather the intensity of it tends to push me more towards avoidance techniques then sparking an interest to delve deeper into “focus fine tuning techniques” such as meditation or writing. The need for social interaction and support, I realize plays an important role in my personal self promotion of these habits. Also the ability to change the immediate environment, with something as simple as stepping outside to a coffee shop, grants huge bonus points in motivating both my artistic and spiritual pursuits. Right now the access to such freedoms are limited while I’m in this study, hopefully further observation and determination while here can push me towards better understanding these pursuits and being able to set up a schedule incorporating then. If you have any suggestions in helping me to work around this isolation or any other comments pertaining to setting up a working schedule of meditation and art, please feel free to leave a message below.
Impermanence as giving
The acceptance of impermanence. One of the greatest tasks I struggle with. As a writer I deal with it constantly, having to cut out whole sections of a story, even though they are often my favorite part, just because they don’t fit. As an individual learning to cope with the symptoms of schizophrenia, I deal with it in a much more challenging sense.
Before my move to Brazil I was a mess of heightened nerve endings and shaking limbs. I’d not sleep well for days in a row, my mind clinging onto fears of the unknown. I made it out ok, but before doing so had to deal with a lot of anxiety and tension. Worse yet this was not the first time. It seems every time a big change occurs for me, the week before I’m a mess – scared of the unknown.
Part of impermanence is fear. Part is also giving. We grow accustom to people and things in our lives, a comfort level that we imbed into them. Like plants we drop our seeds into everything, hoping that a little part of us will grow inside so that we can find comfort and recognition within them. Where ever we go we do this and at the same time take on other’s seeds of recognition.
What we fail to realize, is that when these people or things leave our lives, they take with them those seeds we have planted in them. Suddenly we somehow feel cheated at having those little parts of our selves taken from us. But ask yourself, isn’t this normal. To know things truly I feel we must be willing to give parts of ourselves, like a gift during the holidays. Feel it as something that was ours becoming theirs. Feel the joy that it brings that person. Holding true to that feeling of giving a good gift and not be towed in by the gravity of the gift.
I’m trying to encourage different perspective of viewing impermanence. By viewing it as a process of giving I hope to inspire a more positive attitude with the changes I face. From writing, to my illness, to even every day struggles – I’ll think of the person, idea, thing or situation, and say; “you’re welcome”.
Question yourself, what is your perspective on impermanence? Does this analogy work for you? Speak out and tell me – what are some of the ways you’ve learned to deal with impermanence? Being just another constant struggler in trying to balance the world of raw reality with peace of mind, I’m curious to know what your take on this is.
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